Monday, March 19, 2012
10:03 PM
always the same problem for the first day of school after a break, always couldent wakeup on time, even though daddy woke me up and even when chris morning called me.
haha. i think he must have felt cheated because when he asked me square root of 27, i still can calmly told him, 27 can only cube root to get answer 3. haha. he thought i must be really awake. i thought i was. i knew i wasnt. i thought i could really wakeup in 5mins. and my 5mins became 30mins.
i went recess with my p3 kids today and they are really adorable. they started following me around and when i asked who can help me to go to the canteen to help me get drinks, they volunteered, immediately. haha. free labour. =) i hope this effort will make my observation on thursday a tad better.
and mr shazwan very kindly treated all us fruits =)
jasmine. 4th weeks. jiayou.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
9:39 PM
and for people who really love me for who i am, why would they even stopped me from doing things i like. this was wednesday.
and we were all happy, then we are still happy. =) although we have been quarreling much but i am sure 3 of us going to stay the same. thanks xoxo for being here with me. just for me sometimes ♥
so yesterday i went to touchedup my tattoo, especially the sparrow because it looked like its having some skin diseases with white patches. and because the tail was too short all along, i thought my sparrow looked fat, like me. haha. so i very thickskinnedly asked to extend the tail. =)
like what my tattoo said, live.love.fly. i need to learn that now.
and finally, a small kid and i am growing up stronger. =)
yesterday, after sending eileen home, tom stayed for awhile downstairs talking to me, trying to make sense of some things that i really cannot comprehend. and he sort of making me realised that although i kept pushing, part of me had already accepted. i dont know. haha.
people around me are showing me more concern than i ever thought i would have. i am really embraced in love.
and today after tuition i slept till 9pm. haha. i guess i gave chris a shock because earlier before i concussed, i actually told him that i need to leave for awhile. haha. he must been thinking i am harboring some suicidal thoughts, maybe? that he actually texted qinaide and asked. and very nicely because qinaide knew exactly what i am thinking. haha. guess he needs more time to get use to all these nonsenses, he seemed like he is able to really understand me, if given the time and if i never push him away.
Friday, March 16, 2012
2:58 PM
i couldent wakeup for tuition today and chris was like he should have morning call me. i really dont understand how can he go without sleep for like 2 3 days or sleep for like an hour or two and then go back school again. tuition kid's daddy gotten sushi for me and i felt so appreciated like i am just their tuition teacher who they can just ignore me. haha. and i finally knew how to unroll the california from the plastic and roll it back again. i guess when i have to do it for my kids, somehow i became a tad braver and a tad clever. otherwise, i am just very dependent.
like the mealworms, when chris came down to practice with me, when my nie trainees decided to practice with me, i was still scare, totally cannot even touch the plastic box and was feeling itchy and having those shivers down my spine, to when i was in class, infront of the kids, no matter how bad i was shaking, i am still able to carry out everything. like where did i even get the courage from. and for years i do not know how to eat a california roll properly and suddenly the wisdom just decided to come to me. haha.
that is to say, removing wisdom tooth doesnt not mean i will become dumber. thats a myth people. haha
so, yesterday, one text to chris, telling him how my hands were numb and shaking from anger, made him came all the way down from school just to make sure i am okay. quite thankful because otherwise, i am sure i will be having a difficult night trying to heal myself. he made things alot easier by just being there and listen and stopping me to talk when necessary and divert my attention. =) and he made me feel that its really not worth being angry with someone who has a problem. why argue and get upset with people who arent worth at all. like do you get angry and upset with a patient with metal problems? something along that line. ha. which explains i overslept for tuition this morning. haha.
as usual, because i am not observant, i assumed everyone isnt as well. but i was really surprised that chirs actually able to tell me things which i think i didnt even notice about it myself. okay. not that i do not know but its like i didnt want to know because its nothing worth mentioning. like he is able to tell me that i can be hardworking but deep down i am a bag of pure lazy bones. and he is willing to play the what if game with me. the one which lousydonkey and qinaide have been playing with me and sometimes get pissed with my what ifs. haha. and its really taxing to need to keep answering my what ifs when he didnt sleep for 2 nights and have to think through because my what ifs were 50% real and 50% unreal.
of course he scolded me as well when he said i deserved it. like he already asked me to block all form of contacts from kevin. and some part of me still very itchy hand wanted to know what he is going to say. haha. like i know right. but nah. nothing of that sort will ever happen again =)
and because qinaide wants her name to be here. thanks for the night when i knew i couldent be alone that you waited for me at home and allowed me to squeeze inbetween your sister and you and all those comfort when i was crying. =) but you are screwed up because no one fish for compliments. haha.
i felt my feelings were carefully taken care of. i felt that all the people around me have been very constantly trying to shelter me from any hurt and when i am faced with things or people that will hurt, they make sure they are there protecting me and picking me up. =)
i love my friends because i could really feel that i am embraced in their love. ♥
anyway, i was given a choice by my school to either continue to take class 4/6 which means i need to change my CT because he was no longer going to teach class 4/6 or i follow my CT which means i need to change a new class. my CT was telling me that he felt that it will be a better choice if i followed him to his new class. okay. i agreed because after all, he knew where i need to improve after observing me for 3 weeks and i knew his expectations of me after following him for 3weeks. but i was rather upset because i really like 4/6.
the kids are really adorable and i always like going into the class to teach them. like i remembered once i kept calling them 4/5 because i was in 4/5 before their lesson. so its like -
class was noisy:
me: 4/5
class: 4/6!
me: 4/6 *act blur
awhile later, i wanted their attention:
me: 4/5
class: 4/6!
me: sorry.
awhile later, i think the class was noisy:
me: 4/5
one pupil from the class: miss lim why you keep calling us 4/5?!
me: smile sheepishly* thats because just now i was in 4/5 and i kept calling their class because they were very noisy.
pupil: miss lim you smile very cute.
HAHAHAHAHA. actually the main gist of the whole conversation was the very last part. lols.
i mean 4/6 although they are not the brightest but they are hardworking and they really listen in my lesson. i think they are used to how i teach and they will do my work. they really will get excited when i am teaching which make me feel really appreciated for preparing so much for lessons. and they will come and find me and told me they have done their work i gave before the class or if i see them around in the school. cute bunch of kids. i will miss them. ohh well =(
not good jasmine. its only 3 weeks and i have this attachment already. haha.
again, i dont want my march holidays to end. =(
12:12 AM
i need a condom for his constant mindfuck.
and i make sure i no longer able to get any shit from him. blocked his calls. checked. blocked his texts. checked. blocked his whatsapp texts. checked. blocked him from facebook. checked.
and if he wants to read my blog or logged in to my twitter or hotmail then go ahead. because i really dont care what he going to do anymore.
i have never been so angry that i now am shaking or numbed from anger. you have such ability to push someone to such extreme.
and i hope that listening to God's songs will able to clam me down. i need that peace.
i shouldent have believe him and thought what he said have some truth to it and hello stranger if you are reading this then fuckoff. serious. what asking me to remove my post. childish much? its my blog, my space and if anyone does not like reading what i am posting here, there is always a little x to close the window.
brainless brat.
so first of all this brat told me how wonderful his new girl is. no family issues and is filial. put her in my position then and tell me again if she is able to be as filial as me. if he does not know the whole story, dont judge.
secondly this brat told me she is intelligent and has dance as her passion. stupid or stupid much? i am intelligent too. i am teaching lives. moulding lives. i passed the interview with a reason. i am able to graduate for a reason. i have a passion for children. a passion for teaching and of course a passion to volunteer and be the reason for someone to smile and feel appreciated. this passion brought me to cambodia twice, not one day or two but from two weeks to two months and i am sure i will be going back again. tell me again if her passion for dance is not for herself but is to bring joy to others. otherwise this passion is selfish. gosh.
she is really pretty. i am sure i have the looks myself too. proven. pretty girls are all over the place. everyone knows that and with someone who has an ugly heart, no matter how good looking, no one is able to cover an ugly heart. so do brat deserve pretty girls? she must have a big heart.
she didnt hurt and she is willing to compromise. lets see what happened after she realised what kind of brat you are or when honeymoon is over. tell me again. joke.
so after telling how wonderful his new girl was, he started telling me again that she is never his girlfriend and they arent dating. mindfucking me trying to make me believe that, hey jasmine, look, i think we still stand a chance together. she is just someone i needed to help me move on because the hurt you gave was so terrible. so here, he is trying to tell me that she is just his substitute. not outrightly but the intention or the meaning he is trying to bring across is similar.
and throughout, he is just trying to manipulate emotions and i was stupid. yes i was stupid to want to try to believe and try to listen to whatever he wanted to say. i thought as a friend. i could trust. i thought as a friend, he can be honest. until at the very end, when he realised that things arent going too well, he decided to flare and yup. as expected, use of foul language.
loser.
all these well, i believed that i kept my cool until the last part when i really couldent believe i am a joke myself, i blewup. but i am still as cool. i still didnt use any foul language. something i need to applaud myself for.
i should have know, should have remembered all the lies and untrue things he said. there must be a reason why his first girlfriend could hate him like nearly 10 years before she can post on his facebook wall something like she COULD NOT believe that she can stop hating him one day.
and if i am hating him as well. tell me, whose fault?
and he asked about ryan and chris. that i jumped from a guy to another guy. here, please read, its not that i am guy crazy. guys are attracted to me is either, i am goodlooking or its my character. the former or the latter, its the same, i am some one who people can boast about, definitely.
and for people who knew you, they hate you. like not those normal hate kind, but really hate you? and even when people just see you once, they can hate you too. this experience is not once but almost to all my friends. hmm. who is the one with the problem?
you said my friends, my classmates have been feeding you with information. alright. i wanted to believe you, sorry. i cant. you may be thinking i am stupid. but somehow i felt that you are trying to sow discord or otherwise, you used some despicable methods to get some information from them. and the saddest part, they believed and thats why you knew abit of things, not the whole truth definitely.
you said that kianpeng and you left me and they found someone better and something like i am not even worth mentioning. i am done with you trying to demean me. because to kianpeng, i am still someone who is worth fighting for. you fight for me hard before, loser. just that i didnt want to continue to be with you.
something i need to be honest about, the feather tattoo when i got it in bangkok, sorry. all along i wanted this feather tattoo already. and because knowing how crazy you can be, i have to lie when you asked me the meaning of the tattoo. i said its because of you. nah. its never because of you. not that i want to spite you now. actually many people have asked me about my tattoo. and there was not even once i got reminded of you. so when you asked me to go cover up so that i dont get reminded, nah. there isnt a need. you get the drift? dont be stupid to still think you are important.
you conform to all my assumptions and my opinions of you again.
i have friends who are working as psychiatrist, if you ever need discount, i am more willing to help. or maybe its cheaper to see a doctor to have medicine for bipolar.
and as for me, i am still healing myself, i am still learning to trust and believe and i am glad that there are people here for me. people who stayed. people have been telling me i deserve someone better. i know. people have been telling me that i am better than this, i am more than that. i know. i do not need to change because i am that good myself. i know.
and most importantly, i know you wont be able to run me down or demean me or put harsh words and place your anger on me again.
this is the last part, and i realised that we could never be friends again because you are rotten as a friend as well.
i sincerely wish you all the best and i hope your current new love is able to love you for who you are. =)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
3:56 PM
still not done with my uss. still very happy and all the photos are so dreamy that i kept looking over and over again. =)
yesterday was such a bad day that after tuition, i texted chakmun to ask him to keep me in his prayer that i could be strong. mentor called and he instantly made my day, got me laughing so badly and he boost my confidence like immediately. =) i wanted to treat him for his coming birthday, ended up he said he will treat me since i am a student and i was upset. haha. he mentioned he was thinking of buffet at some hotel but he said bringing me to a buffet is a waste of money. like lesson learned after the 2months in cambodia. haha.
and i guess he is ready to go back into the mission field sometime next year or the year after next. which set me thinking, i told him my dream before, and now i really dont know if i am working towards my dream. its like, i drifted so far that made my dream really just a dream.
then again, i read somewhere that we should never stop dreaming because the day when we stop dreaming, we died. something along this line. haha.
things were not good at night. i had another quarreled with lousydonkey. i dont know. quarrels seem to be getting more often between her and i already. =( waiting for her to talk to me now when she is cooled. bestfriend forever can? =)
i lost my necklace. i need to get a new one soon.
march holidays please dont end.
so yesterday i went to touchedup my tattoo, especially the sparrow because it looked like its having some skin diseases with white patches. and because the tail was too short all along, i thought my sparrow looked fat, like me. haha. so i very thickskinnedly asked to extend the tail. =)
and finally, a small kid and i am growing up stronger. =)
